Assistant Manager Kim Hates Idols-Chapter 196: The Absence of a Team Member (3)

To Kang Kiyeon, Jeong Seongbin was a reliable older brother.
Park Joowoo was a brother he was proud of, and Lee Cheonghyeon was an irreplaceable friend.
Even Choi Jeho, whom he once thought he could never understand, had now become a fairly good hyung.
And Kim Iwol — he was someone Kang Kiyeon looked up to.
He was a member worthy of respect, in many ways.
Whenever Kang Kiyeon was around Kim Iwol, he would unintentionally reveal parts of himself he wanted to keep hidden.
But when he realized he was becoming a better version of himself because of that exposure, Kang Kiyeon decided it was worth setting aside his pride. Otherwise, he would never have considered seeking advice from Kim Iwol.
Kim Iwol was exceptionally mature. It wasn’t just about being legally an adult. He was emotionally mature, competent, and kind to everyone.
Whether it was innate or acquired, having such an unwavering pillar provided great comfort to Kang Kiyeon, who lived with constant anxiety.
When did it start? When did that pillar begin to shake?
Was it when he realized that Kim Iwol, who comforted others and assured them they were doing well, was overworking himself through relentless practice?
Was it when he learned that Kim Iwol, who welcomed others leaning on him, didn’t lean on anyone himself, and didn’t even have a family to rely on?
Or was it when Kim Iwol, who seemed like he would remain unshakable even if everyone else changed, suffered injuries so severe they nearly cost him his life?
Was it when he saw Kim Iwol, after reassuring the members that he was fine, collapse backstage like someone who had finished all his duties, completely losing consciousness?
Or was it…
≫ If it weren’t for Kim Pep, Spark would have gotten at least one performance award at the end of the year
It’s all UA’s fault for messing up at the last minute
≫ Pep’s lucky to have a tight grip on two of the most popular members
Some have to bust their lungs singing high notes while Pep just rides off producing credit and friendships
≫  Self-producing idols aren’t that novel anymore, and it’s obvious who they’re trying to push by constantly emphasizing it. It’s annoying
≫ Iwol, please stop acting like a boomer among the kids and leave. The atmosphere gets ruined because of you #KimIwol_SearchThis
…when he opened the shared laptop to block the hyung’s accounts to stop him from overworking, and stumbled upon a file of hate comments Kim Iwol had compiled?
When he saw that in the endless file, Kim Iwol had meticulously marked each comment with a circle under the ‘Reflection Status’ column?
The kind-hearted leader worried about Kim Iwol’s low self-esteem.
The friend who loved people worried about Kim Iwol’s health, and the other members, each in their own way, must have been concerned for Kim Iwol’s well-being.
Kang Kiyeon was simply anxious.
When he realized that Kim Iwol wasn’t a pillar firmly planted in the ground, but a candle precariously sharing its warmth with them.
He found himself constantly checking to see if the flame would go out, if the candle would melt away.
The anxiety that resurfaced after Kim Iwol’s attack didn’t subside easily. As Kim Iwol and everyone else poured their hearts into the comeback, his anxiety soared relentlessly, as if it would pierce the endless sky.
Kang Kiyeon knew this all too well. Anxiety had been his companion for years.
He had nightmares every night. The mistake during rehearsal transformed into dreams of messing up during important performances, tormenting him.
No matter how many times he practiced — ten times, twenty times — he dreamed the same nightmare every night.
Now, it wasn’t just the camera that terrified him.
The lenses, the eyes of the audience…
The gazes of his members…
Every time his heart raced and his breath hitched, Kang Kiyeon closed his eyes. He recited meditation phrases to calm his mind.
It wasn’t very effective, but he kept trying. It was all he could do.
He couldn’t afford to stay stuck in the trainee days when everyone else was moving forward.
So he tried to solve things on his own, without seeking help like before.
He read fan letters whenever he had spare time. He carefully laminated the slogans he received at fansign events and placed them around his personal space. They provided a sense of reassurance, a reminder that he was doing well.
His heart pounded every time he saw a camera, but he tried not to show it. Instead, he made an effort to speak up, to say something — anything.
And on a night when he couldn’t sleep at all…
Kang Kiyeon got out of bed and went to find the small emergency kit Kim Iwol had prepared.
After all, in this team, there was a member who made sure they always had medicine on hand and checked it diligently. If Kang Kiyeon couldn’t even open the kit himself, then what was the point?
Steeling himself, he opened the kit. Inside, the medicines were neatly organized.
Relying on the dim glow of the night light, Kang Kiyeon fumbled for the liquid calming medicine and drank it. Maybe it was just a placebo, but drinking it made him feel a little better.
Until a strange sense of déjà vu washed over him as he looked at the first-aid kit.
A few days later, Kang Kiyeon sought out the first-aid kit again.
Because the members made a fuss every time Kim Iwol touched it, the first-aid kit remained exactly as Kang Kiyeon last saw it.
He was glad they hadn’t noticed the dwindling medicine. As he peeled open a new package, his hand paused.
‘Was this the same one I took last time?’
Kang Kiyeon moved the entire box closer to the night light.
There were two unfamiliar pills, one of each kind, different from the calming medicene he had just unwrapped.
It didn’t matter which pharmaceutical company made them, given how stressed he was already, but it was incredibly strange that there was only one of each pill.
When Kim Iwol had first put together the kit, there had been a whole assortment of medicines, still in their original paper boxes.
No one in Spark was regularly ill enough to need medication. It was suspicious that there was only one pill each of painkillers, fever reducers, and headache medicine, which were usually sold in packs of ten.
‘Did he deliberately leave one pill of each and hide the rest somewhere? Is he worried we’ll… misuse them or something?’
Knowing Kim Iwol, it was entirely possible. He was the kind of person who worried incessantly.
Which naturally led to the next question:
Where were the rest of the pills?
Even when they filmed the dorm raid content recently, there was no sign of any hidden medicine.
Lee Cheonghyeon’s voice echoed in his memory.
‘Kang Kiyeon, I had a weird dream the other day.’
‘What kind of dream?’
‘I dreamt that Iwol hyung was secretly eating something alone at night.’
‘Wasn’t that just a random dream?’
Why was he remembering a casual conversation he had with his friend during break time?
‘I thought the same thing when I woke up. As if he would eat anything in the middle of the night.’
‘The guy who doesn’t even eat snacks? Yeah, right.’
‘Exactly. I must be tired these days.’
Kang Kiyeon was cautious. He knew his logic was a stretch, so he hesitated to act on it. He dismissed it, thinking, How unstable I must be to have such thoughts?
Kim Iwol was meticulous about self-management, strict enough to not allow any indiscretions, and incredibly generous with fan requests.
As Kim Iwol opened his suitcase in front of the camera, talking about tax evasion and such, Kang Kiyeon saw it.
He saw Kim Iwol, who would have seemed perfectly natural turning all his pockets inside out and shaking the suitcase upside down while proclaiming his innocence, pause as he touched the inside of the suitcase lid, his hand lingering near the zipper.
And he saw the uneven bulge beneath the polyester fabric of the lid.
‘Hyung is not the type of guy to rummage through his bag in the middle of the night just because he’s hungry.’
His heart raced.
* * *
Should you hide what someone wants hidden?
Kang Kiyeon believed there was a clear answer to this question. Of course, you should.
But then, was it right to hide that side of Kim Iwol too?
He couldn’t readily answer ‘yes’ to this question, as he always had. His head ached. He felt suffocated.
It would have been nice to be older, wiser, or to have an adult to confide in.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case for Kang Kiyeon.
So Kang Kiyeon avoided Kim Iwol, pretending he was busy with choreography, using Lee Cheonghyeon as an excuse to push Kim Iwol onto Choi Jeho, and trailing off mid-sentence whenever a conversation arose.
But emotions that were suppressed always erupted eventually.
The moment he stood on the showcase stage, a stage meant for live viewing by ers, not just recording, Kang Kiyeon knew.
He knew he wasn’t okay at all, that everything was falling apart.
His premonition proved true, and he made a mistake.
If someone hadn’t supported him…
Just the thought of it made him dizzy. Kim Iwol’s singing voice echoed in his ears.
I’ve been leaning on this hyung just to endure, but who does he lean on to make it to the end of the stage?
Is that why he collapsed on the IDC show, after enduring without saying a word?
If something like that happens again, will I be able to support him like Kim Iwol did for me?
What will I do without this hyung?
His heart pounded. A complex feeling, beyond simple guilt or responsibility, consumed him.
When Park Joowoo asked if he was tired, Kim Iwol had said he was fine. ‘I don’t lie,’ he’d said.
Yet, Kang Kiyeon couldn’t help but ask,
‘Are you okay?’
He hadn’t wanted to. He desperately wanted to avoid it.
But he was afraid that if he didn’t keep an eye on him, Kim Iwol would collapse like before.
And he was afraid that this time, Kim Iwol might not get back up.
He kept having these negative thoughts.
It was agonizing. Even so, Kang Kiyeon endured as best he could. Sensing how much Kim Iwol had staked on this comeback, he desperately ignored the looming shadow.
But now, he had to face it.
≫ Hello, this is UA.
We are announcing the suspension of Kiyeon’s activities due to health concerns.
We express our gratitude and apologies to the fans who always support Spark.
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He had to accept that he couldn’t overcome this state alone.
Looking at the face of the colleague he admired was too painful.
Author's Thoughts
Next week is going to be rough, folks.