F-Rank Puppeteer!! But I'll be Queen, and I'm not a narcissist!!!!!-Chapter 140: Changing and Not Wanting to Change

Chapter 140: Changing and Not Wanting to Change
"What are you doing, Evelyn-sama?" Eve asks, seeing me gazing out the window at the sun and sketching things on a piece of paper.
"I didn’t see you come in, Eve! So stealthy!" I say, looking over at her, quickly thinking of what to say.
"I’m drawing our new companion! It’s going to be a new healing puppet to help us!... I’m going to create her today, because Esther said she wanted to watch and that she’ll deliver the materials I asked for tonight, so I need to have everything ready!" I say rapidly, sounding a bit excited.
"Hmmm... Evelyn-sama, you seem happy," Eve says as I nod my head.
"Yes... Esther is a little scary, but she’s much nicer than I expected! She actually talks with me, like she listens to what I say and really asks interested questions while remembering everything I explained!"
"She also said she’s preparing teaching materials to give me lessons on how to better use my powers and how I should command! And that’s important! After all, I’m a puppeteer who depends on strategy!" I say confidently.
"..."
"Evelyn-sama, are you sure you should reveal so much about yourself to that... person...? I know you’re married, but have you stopped to think that she pays attention to you so she can control you?!" Eve says with seriousness.
"..." I think about what Eve said, and she’s absolutely right. There’s a high chance that’s the case.
"...Eve... I want to believe that she’s falling in love with me... and maybe she’ll change for me?!" I say, sounding far too dreamy.
"Love?... Evelyn-sama, you... think she loves you?" Eve makes a strange face, as if the very idea of Esther loving me is so absurd it’s unthinkable.
"W-Well, she doesn’t love me yet... but she could come to love me, right?" Her interest in me is already romantic according to the favorability meter! At some point, she will develop love for me as long as her favorability doesn’t drop.
"I don’t understand, Evelyn-sama, I truly don’t understand..." Eve just shakes her head negatively.
"...It’s okay, Eve. I guess no one understands Esther, but I know that... she’s not so bad... I think I prefer to believe that Esther is a girl who never learned how to have feelings."
"But not learning about feelings doesn’t mean she doesn’t have them! Maybe I can teach her about them!" Unlike Grace in the game, who didn’t know why Esther was so cruel and wanted to do so many evil things, I know.
I understand that she suffered immensely just for existing. She carries a pain that no one else understands, the emptiness of realizing that no one around her is ’real,’ and I bet for Esther, even Grace is ’fake.’
But with me, it’s different! Esther herself said we are the same! That means she finally has someone like her to mirror and learn new things from.
It means I can do something even a heroine like Grace couldn’t—make Esther give up! In the game, all my siblings became better people in their routes through Grace’s influence, all except Esther, who never gave up on her plans.
But if all my siblings, who committed so many evil deeds, could atone for their mistakes, I’m sure Esther is no different! In the end, Grace just ’attacked’ the wrong part.
Laplace has serious problems with lust... Lucien has serious problems with a destructive arrogance that he vents through fighting... Augustus has serious issues with trust and extreme paranoia.
Marie has problems with friendships because of her past, choosing to be arrogant while pushing closeness away, being a really strong Tsundere. Evelyn had an extreme problem with trust and hatred for anyone who wasn’t her puppets.
And in the end, the only one we didn’t have a specific area for in the game was Esther, who lied about her past and who she was all the time! But thanks to what I know about her now, I understand that the problem Esther carries is loneliness.
’Esther’s route was always made wrong... who would have thought...’ Esther never seemed lonely, so no one would ever think her problem was the desolate feeling of loneliness that has accompanied her since childhood.
"Evelyn-sama... I beg you, please don’t have blind hopes... I understand you are kind and believe everyone can be good... but Evelyn-sama, a person can only be saved if they want to be saved."
"That means not everyone changes... not because they can’t, but because they choose never to change... and to me, Esther is the type who chooses never to change... if you believe you can change her... you’ll only be disappointed when you fail," Eve says with a certain coldness that bothers me.
"She can change!" I shout at Eve, only then realizing I’d raised my voice.
"Sorry... I..." I got nervous because she went against what I believe, and this is important to me, because if Esther really never changes... then I don’t know what to do.
"It’s alright, Evelyn-sama... just please, don’t be too disappointed if you can’t change her..." Eve leaves through the door after bowing to me. Ever since we arrived at the mansion, Eve has been growing more distant from me.
"..."
"Haaa..." I let out a frustrated sigh as I look at the door.
"..."
’Why are friendships and relationships so difficult...’ I sit down in a chair, looking at my drawings, the drawing of a beautiful angel girl. I was looking at the sky to create her angelic halo.
’I guess I’ll never be able to handle this...’ I feel like a terrible and fake friend, because until now, all the conversations I’ve had were ’planned’—things I did thinking about others.
Because I never had friends, I don’t know what a real friendship should be like, so I force myself to say and do things that I think other people would like to hear.
And precisely because of that, I feel fake, because deep down I’m an insecure girl who doesn’t know how to have a real conversation, so I’m afraid of ruining everything by making the atmosphere boring and uncomfortable.
’Ever since I became Evelyn, talking to others became much easier... the words come out naturally and I don’t stutter much... but why is it so hard to say exactly what I want?’ When I say what I want, I get nervous, scared, and afraid of ruining everything.
Why is speaking normally and saying what I want so different? Am I really too naive? Is Eve right in saying that I shouldn’t expect too much from Esther changing and should be ready to be disappointed?
If she’s right, does me shouting at her make me a terrible friend? I quickly shake my head negatively, trying to stop thinking about it.
’I have a puppet to create, I shouldn’t waste time with intrusive thoughts... I’m not a bad friend... Eve is just distancing herself from me because she’s busy training...’ I lie to myself.
I don’t even know if Eve notices how bothered I feel by the way she’s distancing herself from me, because to me, Eve isn’t a servant, she’s an important friend, so her current treatment hits my insecurities about friendship directly.
’Esther... she won’t distance herself from me too, right?... W-We’re doing fine... I’m not a tedious girl... I-I’m sure Esther won’t be scared off because I’m boring and don’t talk about fun things...’ I drop the notebook, unable to concentrate on the drawing.
Since I can’t draw, I decide to focus on myself. I go to the mirror in the room, determined to take care of my appearance; it calms me down for some reason.
I like to observe myself in reflections. The beauty I see in the mirror shows me that I still have something that is mine, and that my hard work taking care of my appearance yields visible results.
Unlike people, mirrors don’t judge me; they actually show the best side of myself, displaying my beauty as a lovely reflection that helps me stay calm.
...
...
...
I leave the mansion, stepping outside to get some air. I soon see a tree and punch it. The plasma rips the tree completely out of the ground, hurling it far away as it emits a purple glow.
’Why is Evelyn-sama so naive?! Doesn’t she understand that sociopath will never change for love?’ I feel frustrated, because I know Evelyn-sama will get hurt by this naivety.
I can tell from the look in her eyes—Esther won’t change. Not because she can’t, but because she sees no point in changing what is already perfect for her.
"You look furious," I hear a female voice and quickly look back.
"Who are you?!" I ask, confused that I hadn’t sensed her presence.
"You can call me Elizabeth. I’m one of Esther’s servants, and I came to warn you... Esther-sama orders you to stop interfering! Esther-sama will be angry if you keep trying to make Evelyn see Esther-sama as a problem," she says, and I realize.
’If she knows... she was...’
"You’ve been spying on Evelyn-sama," I say as she raises her hands.
"Ope, caught me! Yes, I am. But don’t worry, I don’t watch her naked or in the bath. Esther-sama would have my eyes for that after they got married. I’m just gently looking after Evelyn."
"Esther-sama wants her to be ’safe,’ so I look after her security from the shadows..."
"In short, you spy on her and tell Esther everything Evelyn-sama does," I say, realizing she’s stronger than me, and I shouldn’t attack one of Esther’s servants or I could have problems.
"A rather complicated way of putting it... but it’s something like that. I only appeared to you because Esther-sama is ’annoyed’ by your meddling. She also said for you to stop poking into things you shouldn’t," she says, referring to my exploration.
"...Or what?" I ask.
"Or Evelyn will have problems. This mansion has... secrets... things that Evelyn would be horrified to know exist here. And I’m sure you don’t want to be the one responsible for that."
"..."
"Esther-sama doesn’t want to restrict you, she just says you shouldn’t stray too far from the standard she desires. That means you shouldn’t interfere with Esther-sama’s relationship with Evelyn."
"Anything you do that affects this marriage is something Esther-sama dislikes. In other words, just avoid doing things that would make Esther-sama look bad in Evelyn’s eyes." When she says that, I realize something.
’Why doesn’t Esther want to look bad to Evelyn-sama?... Is it serious? Does she actually have feelings for Evelyn-sama?’
"...Fine. I’ll stay away from the locked rooms..." It’s not like that would help me protect Evelyn-sama anyway, so I have no reason to put her at risk.
"Good, we’ve reached an understanding... Esther-sama told me to give you a treat if you accepted this quickly."
"So, know that you can now use the training room in the basement—a privilege you’ll have as long as you stay in line. And know that it’s far better than the training area you’re using now."
"So don’t waste Esther-sama’s generosity, or she can make you disappear faster than you could say [Sorry]," she says, vanishing quicker than I can notice.
"..."
’Just as I expected.’ I’m accumulating power precisely to have the strength to fight Esther. I know Esther will one day hurt Evelyn-sama irreversibly, and on that day, if I have enough power, I will fight her.