Walking Disasters and Me-The Lash of Anger, Healing – Ch 33

Walking Disasters and Me-The Lash of Anger, Healing – Ch 33

I finally rouse out of my depressive fit when I hear the sliding door to my room open and then close quickly. I hate that I basically made Akiko run away from me by shutting down and locking myself in the bathroom like some dramatic movie moment, but I panicked so hard I didn't know what else to do. The shame and regret still lay heavy on my mind, like a leaden blanket that weighs on my soul, as I finally open the door and emerge back into the world beyond the safety of its threshold.
I look around and quickly confirm my suspicions, Akiko definitely has left the room leaving only the full colored projection of my mental roommate standing in the center of the space, a bit further in with a kind, knowing expression on her face. I hang my head sheepishly, the flush of my skin from all of these conflicting and intense emotions no doubt making me look like a lobster like she'd joked about earlier today. Before I can dive into the embrace of the bed to just wallow for a bit longer at my stupid fucking decisions, Ios speaks up with a calm, loving tone to her high-pitched voice, "Hey honey. I know it's a dumb question to ask, but how are you feeling?"
I sigh, noticing that while yes, she is projected into the center of the room, she is also directly in between me and the bed. No doubt its on purpose, she probably wants me to be a real adult and actually talk out my feelings instead of just letting me go be a sad girl for a bit. Whether its the continued, invisible help from all of my fancy new skills and titles etched onto my soul, or just me being constantly fried emotionally since I landed here, I find that I still have enough resolve to at least hear out whatever she wants to say to me as I shift my trajectory to the couch on the far side of the room.
As I plop down with a dramatic huff and bury my face into one of the pillows that sits there, I mumble out my response to her finally, "Like a fucking idiot Ios, what do you think? I basically threw myself at Akiko, after saying time and time again how I wanted to wait for Sandra and I to talk. She's probably fucking sick of me leading her on and then pulling a stunt like that. She even had to be the
adult
, the mature one, and reject me! I've never felt so low in my
god damned life
Ios, that's how I'm fucking feeling!!" I yell out into the pillow, fresh stinging tears flooding down my face and making the fabric of the comfortable support item wet. A heavy, wet sob escapes my throat as I let the waterworks flow for a bit, which Ios just let's happen, thankfully.
She may be blocking me from going full turtle, but at least she is letting me have my moment to just... feel. After a few minutes of solid bawling, I finally turn my head numbly out of the cushion and see that Ios has moved to be sitting right in front of my prone position on the couch, her eyes soft and full of worry, but still a huge amount of care. Her lips are slightly turned downward, like she is also in pain for me going through this too. God, I wish she had a real body right now. I bet a 4-armed hug would feel so amazing after all of this emotional whiplash.
I simply keep my eyes on her, and let a small, fake smile come to my face, "Thanks Ios. For just letting me vent." I sigh, wiping the corner of my eyes with my sleeve before sitting up slowly and continuing, "So... what now? Did you talk to Akiko? Does she... are we still allowed here?" The nervousness and fear, shame and regret that's laced in my voice must be obvious. Shit, even
I
can hear it, and I'm the one speaking!
Ios simply smiles lightly, finally breaking the concerned frown that she has been wearing for the last little bit as she replies softly, "Silly girl, Akiko isn't kicking you out because you made a move on her. We talked over a few things, and maybe it will make you feel a little less awful to know that Akiko feels just as bad, if not worse, than you are feeling right now. She thought that she was the one that went too far, made you confused and took advantage of you. I talked her out of that nonsense too." Noticing my confused and surprised face, Ios simply giggles a little and further explains, "I'll tell you what I think happened hun. I think you both are falling for each other quite badly, and you finally made the decision to embrace happiness for yourself for once. Akiko, the proud, upstanding woman that she is, wasn't rejecting you. She was trying to stay true to her agreement with you and trying to be respectful to your situation with Sandra."
I grimace at her explanation, the bubble of regret popping into full bloom once again as it flows through my veins like ice, "Well, lot of fucking good following my heart did... should have just suffered in silence and just sucked it up. Or just not tried to blatantly seduce the woman who has stated repeatedly she is into me and has a high libido, even if I was just playing around. Mostly..."
I hear a
bonk
sound emit from the box at the same time that Ios mimes bopping me over the head with a rolled-up newspaper projection. I sit there stunned for a second before busting out in laughing fits at the sheer absurdity of it all, bringing some warmth back into my depressed, chilled mind. Ios snickers a bit and then speaks out again once I've calmed down, "Aims, sweetheart, you didn't do anything wrong. And the only thing Akiko did wrong was not letting you two kiss. I know you are trying to be what you consider fair to Sandra, but let me ask you this: Do
you
think she would want you to suffer, to be
miserable and lonely
when there's obviously someone you care for deeply and who feels the same for you standing right there next to you? I know you've known her all your life, but from what Ilya and I dug up about you two, I know for a fact she would be beyond upset at you for wasting a chance like that." She pulls back and puts a bit of space between us as she pauses, adopting a calmer and collected sitting arrangement on the brown wooden floor.
"Let's face it honey, the women you've been with before have mostly been bad, fucked up, manipulative people. They took advantage of your mental state, gaslit you constantly, and then when they had you nice and submissive, they'd drop you for some new toy to play with. Jessica was nice, but that was your first girlfriend in high school and you two were
way
too young to make it work long term. It happens." She says with a shrug at that before continuing to rip apart my last life's love scene like a savage, "I'm sure you noticed how Sandra hated all of them, again save Jess, but I won't go into all the reasons for that without her present or permission. I will say that one of the big reasons she was so against them is because she saw
exactly
what I'm telling you, in real time.
You
couldn't
really notice it, between being in the middle of the storm and your own wounded mind, you just were hoping to cling to any sense of safety and comfort, and what you thought was love. It's no surprise to me that you are so badly co-dependent honey. And I don't really know how long it's going to take you to get past that, or if it's even a bad thing now. Don't look at me like that, what I'm saying is that instead of looking for any port in a storm, you are now simply falling in love fast. You know you are strong and going to get stronger. Your mind is clearer than it has ever been, and you have a purpose and goal to work towards for the first time in your life. The feelings you have for Akiko, and a few others," She winks at me as she says that, making me full faced blush again and turn away slightly as she presses on, "are true, real, and yours. They arn't some desperate attempt to cling to someone for protection anymore.
Sure, I think it is incredibly sweet that you want to wait for Sandra to wake up and talk things out before you get involved with someone else. Very romantic indeed~ And honestly, I wouldn't expect anything less from you, you selfless, kind, caring treasure of a human. But I promise you Amelia, Sandra wouldn't want this. She would hate to see you so broken and hurting because of some promise that she didn't even get to agree to or talk through with you. I'm not saying any of this to upset you honey, you know I care about you so fucking much. But you're doing the
exact
damn thing that you got upset at me for earlier, about me holding in my feelings regarding my form. The only difference is that you think you're getting away with it because in your mind you're right, and Sandra isn't here to call you on your bullshit. So I have to."
The instant, indiscriminate anger I feel flare up mixes in with the already jumbled mess of emotions inside of me. I don't even know why I'm mad, just that her words somehow pissed me off. I feel my face turn into a twisted snarl as I bark out, finally having a chance to give my own opinion on things, "Fuck you Ios, this isn't the same as your situation and you know it! We can buy you a fancy ass new body or shit, even have one made that I'm sure would work with all the crazy ass crafting professions here! I literally cant speak to my
own
f
ucking sister
, who is wounded and broken inside of me to hash any of this shit out, as we are both trapped on some
fucking
murder world!
You
want to talk about
consent
and how I'm acting like some kind of... white knight without Sandra's approval?!
You and your sister are the fuckers who ripped us out of time and space and fucking put us here!!
In this twisted, brutal, beyond dangerous world! With
no
fucking training,
no
fucking warning, in the middle of a god damned destroyed forest! You have
a lot
of fucking nerve to sit there on your high horse and judge me like this!" I'm nearly yelling at this point, the anger, frustration, fear, and all the other bullshit all make me grip the sides of my head with my hands before I scream out at her once more, "God damnit! I wish you
did
have a body Ios, just so that I could punch your stupid face right now!!"
I realize that I'm standing over her form now, my shoulders moving up and down as I huff out loud, angry breaths. I can also feel the tears flowing again, whether from just the sheer emotions of all of this or not I can't tell. She keeps looking at me with surprise in her stupid, perfect eyes and annoyingly pretty face as I get my breathing under control, making no moves or sounds until I'm about to walk away and go lay on the bed again. I just want to curl up and disappear at this point...
As I make a last, frustrated and sorrowful huff at my actions and turn away, her voice reaches me. Quieter than it has ever been before, "I know Amelia. And you're right to be angry with me and Ilya. None of this has gone to plan like we thought it was going to. Maybe you would have had an easier time of it all if it was Ilya that decided to pair with you, maybe I should have spoken up and stopped her from even trying this at all. But I can't change that now, even if I am sorry for how much it's hurt and scared you. All I can do now is do my best to be there for you and help you, if you still want me to." The last part comes out as a whisper that I barely hear, her form's face falling to the ground with a defeated slump to her shoulders.
I feel conflicted, on top of all the other mess inside of me. I know she isn't trying to manipulate me or pull a guilt trip or something, but it still
feels
like that right now no matter what I tell myself. But that doesn't mean I want her to just... disappear or something either. Maybe this conversation was a long time coming and it was always going to be a fucking disaster; it just happened at the worst possible damn time. I sigh out audibly after a few seconds of gathering my thoughts before I sit down in front of her projection.
I pause for a few moments more before speaking out softly to her, "I'm still mad at a few things about all of this Ios, and I don't think any apology from you is going to help that right now. Maybe I will be salty for a long time, maybe not once I start getting used to this place more and I get Sandy back. But you're right about some of it, we literally can't change the fact that we're both here now, and our sisters need our help.
I'm... sorry for blowing up on you like that, you just picked the worst fucking words possible to say to me at a moment of weakness or something. Shit, I didn't even know I could get that mad without breaking or shutting down halfway through. I'll... think about what you said, about Akiko and me. I don't want you to go away forever, but maybe its best if we had some time alone for right now." I stand up slowly, trying to keep a calm and level expression on my face to not make her feel any worse about all of this.
She gives a small nod and she looks back up at me with sorrowful eyes, "Alright hun. I think that may be a good idea too. I know you said apologies aren't helpful right now, but I am sorry regardless. I really was just trying to help you and Akiko work things out. She'll be dropping off those books sometime before she heads out, do you want me to let you know if she doesn't knock on the door or something?"
Ugh... It's so hard to stay mad at her! It's really not fair, I want to be upset at her still!! I sigh again before answering her, "Yeah that's fine Ios. If something comes up of course let me know, I don't want to get surprised by anything while I'm wallowing in bed. And... thanks. For the attempt, at least. I know deep down you're just trying to look out for me and want me to be happy too. I'm going to go lay down, maybe just try to meditate a bit and get more used to the Qi stuff. Buzz me if something comes up, okay?"
She gives a small smile, finally, and then nods softly before her form blinks out of the air. I know she is still around, as she always will be with me from now on, but the feeling of being alone is nice enough in the moment. I breathe out a slow breath as I run my hands through my crimson hair a few times, rubbing and scratching at the base of my long locks to get some grounding comfort in. I eventually feel calm enough to plop back prone onto the uber comfortable bed, the words and events of the last hour or so playing out on repeat in my mind, just to make sure the trauma of it all sinks in niiiice and deep.
With another huff of annoyance at replaying my blow up on Ios in my mind, I move into a comfortable prone position and try to meditate. It takes a lot longer than when I was in the shower earlier, but I do manage to get there in the end as my view looks over my flow model once more. I use my universal gathering technique, bringing in a slow but steady stream of Qi in to the network as I watch it light up and dance to my core and soul. The sight always calms me down and fills me with wonder and awe, and I try adjusting the amount and flow patterns of it all a few times.
It seems like the model is very soul heavy, which makes sense from the description of the skill as well as what the manuals showed me too. I focus more on that golden orb, wondering what Sandra's must look like now. I remember seeing it having cracks after the dress bumped up my Wisdom, but ever since I made this flow model I haven't been able to see her again. With those thoughts running through my head, my intention must have leaked out as I can feel my attention being pulled back to fully regard my soul from a distance.
When I arrive there, I notice a few things. First, that the entirety of my soul is enveloped in some kind of rainbow energy that I couldn't see when I was too close to it, and that it comes to a point to make its own river of prismatic light as it shoots off into the distant void of my being. Curious, I follow the path for a bit and feel myself bumping into a strange sensation. Its like... a liquid wall of force that doesn't feel like my own but is so so similar that it may as well be, and I can tell that normally it would prevent anyone from getting closer to wherever I'm going, but as soon as I pass the membrane of it, I feel almost at home.
With more and more questions popping up into my mind, I continue to follow the rainbow bridge until I see a glowing light in the distance. As soon as I see it, I
feel
the connection as realization comes over me and I instantly know what, or rather who, I'm looking at.
"Sandra..." My voice echoes out into the void somehow as I get closer to the cracked, golden glowing orb. Inside I can see the faint outline of someone, presumably my sister but her hair is also long like mine now as it fans out behind her like she is laying in slowly moving water inside the orb. I flood my attention over the orb, noticing that a few of the cracks look like they've shrunken slightly while others look the same, but that still brings a warmth of relief and hope to my disembodied form.
I don't try to pry any deeper, just in case it affects her healing or something. I really need to ask Akiko more stuff about souls... Ugh, Akiko... I feel the melancholy wash over me again, the entire space seems to ripple with my unfiltered emotions. Mentally, I speak out to my sister's resting form.
I wish you were awake Sandy, I could really use your help out here. And... I really miss you. We have a lot to talk about when you wake up, missy! Hehe~. There's... there's a girl that I've met here. A woman, really. And I really, really like her Sands. I kind of hate Ios for even telling me that you and I... That we may have some heavy talks in the future, when you get strong enough. It's put me in such a fucking awful position, Sandra. I love you more than existence itself, and if any of what Ios said was true then I want to at least have that conversation with you because... I don't know. Maybe what she thought about how you felt about me was mutual?
Ios was at least right earlier, my mind was so fucked back on Earth I don't even know if I would have known the difference in what I was feeling toward you. You were and are my everything, and anytime we were together it was like the world was bright and no amount of darkness or bad feelings could make me think otherwise. You were always so energetic, such an extrovert, and would just wrap me up into your hijinks like a tornado throwing a tree haha! So yeah... maybe it was deeper than I knew at the time. The more I think about it here, now that the system is helping me fix my mind a bit, the more and more it seems to make sense and feel... I don't know if
right
is the correct word, but its close. More accepting of it, for sure.
But that just makes what I feel for Akiko even harder to navigate through... Maybe Ios is right again, and you would sit there and bonk me on the head for acting like an idiot and not going after my own happiness for once. With a person who without a doubt cares for me deeply and wants me to be happy and safe in turn. I'm just... Scared. I don't want to start something with her or the other girls and then have you wake up and feel abandoned. Sigh...
As I'm ruminating and trying to work out my emotions, I feel a brief sense of foreign emotion wash over me. So fast and weak it's almost like it didn't happen at all. I jolt in my meditative stance and wake up from it, curiously looking around the room for any kind of sign of intruder or something. Surely not though, Ios would have absolutely woken me up if some brazen asshole decided to invade Akiko's estate. Confusion still laced on my face and in my voice, I call out for the spiritual companion.
"Ios? Did you just try to ping me?" She instantly pops back up in her projection, floating directly over the box with her own confused face as she looks at me.
"No hun, you've been meditating for about 8 hours now. I figured you needed the time to decompress a bit, so I've left you alone completely while you were deep diving. Why, what's up? Are you okay?" Her touching concern even after our little spat does wonders to help heal the relationship in my mind, as a small smile comes onto my face.
"Yeah I'm good, I found Sandra's soul. Or at least, rediscovered it. I think it may have gotten moved a bit when I made my flow model for Qi, I'll need to be careful when I make the meridians and make sure to put her in a safe spot. But no, I was kind of just... thinking about what you said and how I felt next to her soul, which is connected to mine in a badass rainbow bridge by the way! Any who, while I was venting, I felt some... outside emotion float over me. It was weak, and so fast that I almost missed it, but I thought you were trying to get my attention and the meditation was making it wonky."
Ios seems to consider my words as she taps a finger to her chin before she responds, "Hmm... Do you remember what the emotion felt like? Like, was it completely foreign or did it only feel a little off? And what was the emotion that you picked up on?"
I nod, thinking back to the event. "It did feel pretty... similar? Like it wasn't mine, but it was so close I would be hard pressed to pick it out if I wasn't paying attention. And it felt... accepting? Like everything was okay."
A thoughtful hum comes from Ios as she keeps her thinking expression and mannerisms going. "What were you thinking about when the emotion came, hun?" I blush a bit, recalling that I was pondering about Sandra and I's relationship and stuff.
"Well... I was just going over what you said basically. How I felt about it all and how being in this position, waiting for Sandra to wake up so we can talk things out while still falling in love with Akiko, makes me feel so damn awful. It came through right after I was voicing out that the biggest reason I'm struggling is because... I don't want her to feel abandoned when she wakes up..." My voice comes out quietly as I admit the biggest obstacle to my own happiness to Ios.
I look up and see that she has an intense, burning look of pride and care on her face as she voices out in a subdued hum, "Oh my lord Aims, you are the most precious creature in existence~. Honey. I think... I think that was Sandra giving you a sign, a small one at least. Maybe all your Qi gathering and breaking into the peak of the 1st Rank on all your paths helped heal her some, and she was able to hear you. Or maybe just your intentions and emotions? I'm not sure, but it sounds like... It sounds like she's giving you the green flag honey."
I frown slightly, even if it may be true. That's still a shit load of supposition on Ios' part. Probably sensing my hesitation, Ios powers on, "I know that may be a bit of a stretch but let's try this. Akiko is going to be gone for the next couple days, right? So why don't you focus on getting used to moving and gathering Qi, try funneling more into that bridge you mentioned, and then see if Sandra heals anymore and you can replicate the effect. Don't go too crazy with it, but if she's already sending out her emotions through your bond, then she may be healing faster than we thought."
I let her words flow through my mind, and I have to agree that it makes sense. Maybe... Maybe she's right? Regardless, I saw Sandy's soul already healing, so it wouldn't be impossible that focusing more energy her way should help her. Shit, that was what the skill said to do anyway! With renewed vigor, I nod once heartily to Ios, my previous anger and annoyance at her quickly flitting away like a leaf in the wind.
"Alright then hun, that's the plan! Let's get our girls back."

.
!
The Lash of Anger, Healing – Ch 33