Is This How You Use a Self-Destruct Switch?!-Chapter 20 : The Last Hope

Click.
A slight crisp sound, not from some corner, but from her own pocket—or rather, from that symbol of 'magical girl' identity she had almost forgotten.
That thing was small and cold, its surface smooth and red, like a tomato sauce-colored button. It had somehow slipped from her pocket, bounced once on the floor, and finally stopped before her blurry, tear-filled eyes.
[Self-Destruct Switch]
Those cold words, under the reflection of faint light from outside the window, emitted an ominous yet tempting red glow.
Tsuan's crying stopped abruptly, as if an invisible hand had strangled her throat. Her body was still trembling slightly from violent sobbing, but all her attention was firmly captured by that small, deadly object on the ground.
Her red eyes stared fixedly at it. Tears continued pouring out, washing over her vision, making that button twist and magnify in the tearlight, as if it had become the only coordinate point in this lonely world.
A thought, a somewhat... unsettling and frightening thought, instantly wrapped around her heart that had just been torn apart by despair like shackles.
'Being seen...'
This thought sharply pierced through all the pain and sorrow.
Megumi saw her.
Reiko saw her.
Classmates saw her.
The police officer saw her.
Those classmates... at that moment, they all saw her!
Memory fragments rapidly rewound in her chaotic mind, just to find that cruel truth.
Starting from yesterday when Reiko found her? Was it because of Reiko?
But why... can't Reiko see me now either?
It's not because of Reiko... before Reiko... I...!
The scene before Reiko grabbed her forced itself back—when Reiko appeared, she was already being seen!
Earlier than that... was...!
On the way when Ruby appeared and told her to save Luna...
She was bumped several times by invisible bodies on the crowded train... meaning the truth she was looking for was after this...
Then...
Her tear-filled eyes trembled slightly. She had already thought one step ahead to the last possibility.
She walked into the Dark Moon Society's sinister stronghold, her footsteps unnoticed by anyone.
She stood before the prison door holding Luna, her figure unnoticed by anyone.
She faced that executive miss... whose gaze penetrated through her, as if staring at nothingness.
After that...
She pressed that button.
To save her companion, she pressed that button for the first time.
After that explosion that blasted through the prison...
Everything changed, right at this moment, right at this instant, right when...
The button was pressed, her body was torn apart... the instant her consciousness gradually disappeared.
After that, Reiko and Megumi could see her.
Could hear her.
Could touch her.
Could smile at her, could hold her hand, could include her in their world.
That 'daily life' she had dreamed of but could never reach, that world filled with warmth and friendship... opened its doors to her after she pressed the button.
And the time...
She closed her eyes and estimated the time she had pressed the button yesterday... finding it completely matched the time when Megumi let go just now.
Only... one day.
Twenty-four hours.
The switch was right before her eyes.
Like Pandora's box, flickering with tempting red light.
Her logic gradually formed into a clear and terrifying path in her despair.
Press button = cause explosion = be seen by the world = gain friendship and warmth.
No... it shouldn't be like this! Magical girls can't... use this method, can't... friendship can't...
She wanted to deny her desire for friendship, but she couldn't deceive herself no matter what.
Another path took shape in her mind with timing.
Don't press button = friends all forget her = eternal loneliness = being abandoned by Megumi and Reiko.
This equation started from the beginning over and over in Tsuan's chaotic brain, leading to the ending.
"So... it's like this..."
Her voice, hoarse from crying, was like cut tomatoes scraping across a cutting board.
In her red eyes, the desperate sorrow was covered by an almost obsessive clarity.
It's this thing... this so-called 'self-destruct switch,' it's not just a weapon for fighting... or rather, not only that!
It... it's also a key!
A key that can open the door to a world where she's loved by friends, where she's happy, where she won't be abandoned!
Every time she pressed it, it was like paying an admission ticket to this world... using one life to exchange for one day...
This idea was absurd and terrifying. It was completely at odds with this beautiful world, but in Tsuan's current understanding, it became the only 'truth' that could explain this earth-shattering change.
She tremblingly reached out her hand. Her cold fingertips hovered above that red button. Her fingertips could feel that cold, smooth, deadly tempting texture.
Just press it down...
Just press it down one more time...
Just self-destruct one more time...
Would Reiko be able to see her again? Would she be able to remember the time they embraced each other? Remember every word she said when helping her wash her hair dirtied by the can...?
Would Megumi run away from Amber's side and, like after school today, intimately hug her shoulder and call her 'Tsuan-chan' with an energetic voice?
Would Amber also smile and greet her, instead of making joyful laughter through the door that isolated her outside?
Those warm touches, those caring gazes, that real friendship... could they... all come back?
Yes, they could all come back.
Then... what was the price?
Explosion... harm... destruction... or... death?
This thought stabbed into her consciousness like an ice pick, making her suspended fingers suddenly curl up.
But immediately, deeper despair and longing drowned out that weak fear.
Harm? Destruction? Death?
So what?
I...
The corners of her mouth couldn't help but turn up. Before her eyes appeared once again that only magical explanation for herself.
After pressing, she would die, then resurrect in a safe place.
I... will survive.
If even 'existence' itself couldn't be confirmed, if even being 'seen' by friends, being 'remembered' by them was a luxury... then what difference was there between this kind of 'living,' this kind of life, and being directly dead?
At least... in that brief... one day after pressing the button. She was... alive! She was real! She was accepted by this world!
She looked at that photo on her phone screen that was blurred by tears... the selfie of her and Megumi. Her own genuine smile in the photo was like a red-hot branding iron, burning on her heart.
That kind of smile... that kind of warmth... that kind of life...
She wanted it!
She wanted it so much she was about to go crazy... even if only for an instant! Even if the price was a life!
"Just... just press it one more time..."
She murmured to herself, her broken voice carrying a reckless determination. Her red eyes stared fixedly at that red button, no longer burning with pure sorrow, but with a mixture of despair and longing, and a pathological obsession with friendship itself.
"Press it one more time... Megumi-chan... Reiko..."
Her fingertips, with desperate trembling, slowly and firmly... touched that self-destruct switch emanating ominous red light.
"You'll all come back, right?"
Her fingertips had already felt that cold, smooth curved surface. She just needed to apply gentle pressure, press down... just needed an instant of decision...
Bang!
A loud noise came from the security door, causing the button to slip from her hand and fall.
Sound...! Someone, someone came to find me...!
Almost instantly, she bounced up from the ground, frantically opened the door, wiped away the crystalline tears from the corners of her eyes, trying hard to show that she was in good condition...
After all, outside very likely was
Was it Reiko or Megumi-chan? Maybe they came together...
"Megumi-chan! Reiko! You both... came to find me."
A girl wearing shrine maiden clothes was carrying two full bags, seemingly because she needed to unlock the door, so... accidentally made a sound similar to knocking.
"You came~"
Tsuan gradually closed the door properly, then slid down with her back against the security door... collapsing on the ground.
"Mm, long time no see. How about we eat hot pot today?"
Ah...
"Great~ Since you're paying anyway, anything is fine!"
Ahhhh...
"Well, who told us we're childhood friends?"
The black-haired girl picked up that button amid the cheerful laughter behind the door.
Just by pressing it down, she could also have friends like that.
But...
Her thinking interrupted by that loud noise made her slightly more clear-headed, and also made her remember... what the slight 'side effects' were besides being able to be seen.
If she pressed this button now... in this narrow apartment... what would happen?
Yesterday's explosion at the Dark Moon Society stronghold was powerful enough to blast through thick prison walls. If she pressed the button here... could this not-very-sturdy apartment building... or even this building... withstand it?
She seemed to see everything that would appear after she pressed the button.
Explosion, shockwave, collapsing floor slabs, flying debris.
And also... this included...
"Come on, come on, let's eat hot pot~"
Ordinary people.
Innocent ordinary people.
Who would be in danger because of her actions.
She couldn't do this, not just because she was Nakana Tsuan, but also because...
She looked at the button she held in her hand.
'I am a magical girl.'
Even if no one knows, even if I remain forever unknown, I am still a magical girl.
I am also everyone's companion.
The button slightly lit up, as if responding to her conviction.
What do magical girls... exist for?
Luna's voice, as if crossing time and space, rang weakly but clearly in her ears.
"We magical girls exist to protect this beautiful world, to fight for the smiles on everyone's faces!"
Protect... smiles...
Not create disasters! Not bring death!
Much less bring destruction upon innocent people!
"No... I can't do it here, I can't press it!"
Tsuan curled up on the floor, both arms tightly hugging her knees, burying her face in them. Her slender body shook like autumn leaves in the wind.
The sense of responsibility as a magical girl, like the last solid dam, firmly blocked her just before she was about to fall into complete madness.
To be seen, for that brief warmth, should she sacrifice innocent people's lives and safety? Should she violate the magical girl code of conduct?
"Magic is the torch of hope, not to be misused. Even in the face of countless difficulties, courage and wisdom should come first."
She softly recited the Power Precept she had memorized by heart.
Magic is the torch of hope... but I—
The only thing related to hope around her had been clutched in her hand from the beginning.
No matter what... I can't, do it here.
She put the button in her pocket, supported herself against the wall to stand up... step by step walking toward the bathroom.
It's okay, it's okay.
Cold water droplets slid across her body, bringing clarity more painful than loneliness.
No Reiko's hair fragrance, no Megumi's smile.
That's okay too.
She closed her eyes, casually wiped her wet long hair twice, then walked into the bedroom and collapsed on the bed.
The good news was that her body, having not eaten dinner, didn't feel hungry.
The bad news was that the hunger was covered by even more unbearable loneliness.
Tomorrow, find a place with no people.
Such places are too hard to find. Let's just find a place that won't affect others.
She had already made her decision.
The next day, before dawn, she was already awake. Or rather, she might not have slept at all.
The entire night, she lay in bed like a broken doll, eyes open, staring at the old, yellowed light bulb on the ceiling. Her empty stomach cramped intermittently, reminding her of everything that had happened last night.
Eat something?
No.
She looked at the 4:08 flashing on her phone screen and plugged in the charging cable.
A few more hours, and she could press that button.
If it weren't for the fact that late at night... might wake other people up, she would have already gone out.
Cough...
Time passed so slowly, really so slowly.
She wanted to eat something, but eating it... seemed like a waste.
There wasn't much money left in her bank card. She might have to find a way to work part-time later... but working part-time would consume that already precious time.
So hard to choose...
Over and over, she counted those magical girls she admired, saying their magic in order, then repeating.
Like counting a thousand sheep, counting all the magical girls she knew.
Relying on this to pass the final time.
"Where should I choose?"
Her hoarse, tired voice revealed a trace of anticipation, as if she were a little girl who had seen a beloved gift, her eyes shining as she surveyed the surroundings.
Stay away from the construction sites still being built nearby.
She walked to the overpass, looked at the gradually increasing vehicles below, counted for a while before leaving with satisfaction.
Stay away from transportation~ avoid traffic accidents~
The bouncing black-haired girl lightly touched the clear lake water with her toes.
Stay away from water sources~ avoid pollution~
Continue walking forward~
The rising sun gradually rose behind her, stretching her lonely shadow long then short. She drifted like a wandering ghost on the silent streets, her red but hollow eyes scanning everything around her, yet seeming not to see anything, her brain containing only one thought.
Choose the endpoint.
Until... that familiar building outline appeared in her field of vision.
School.
The place where she and Megumi became friends, where her friendship with Megumi began, and also... the most ideal place to meet Megumi.
Her footsteps involuntarily stopped.
A weak but stubborn spark suddenly burst in her dead heart lake.
Want to see her.
Want to hug her one more time before pressing the button.
This thought was so strong that it instantly overwhelmed all considerations about choosing an endpoint. Like a weak but unavoidable electric current, it struck through her despair and drove her tired body into action.
Reason? No need for complex reasons. A simple, even somewhat laughable excuse was enough.
She looked down at her empty hands.
"My... my student ID... seems to have fallen in the classroom."
She spoke to the air, to herself, murmuring.
Her voice was dry and weak, but carried an unquestionable certainty.
This excuse was so clumsy that it didn't need anyone to believe it—because no one would see her, would question her.
This was just giving herself a tiny step to enter the school gate.
Enough.
She took a deep breath and hesitated no more.
Mixing among the scattered students going to school, she entered the school building.
No need to think at all; her body instinctively walked toward their classroom.
Megumi wasn't in the classroom. It seemed she had come early.
But that was okay.
She just wanted to... hug her.
She quickened her pace, almost running. Passing through the increasingly lively corridor, sweeping past the empty stairwell, with an extremely clear goal—the staircase entrance Megumi must pass through when entering the classroom.
Megumi and Amber's clear laughter gradually rose from below, accompanied by increasingly close footsteps. They were discussing something, their voices full of carefree happiness.
This laughter had once been the background music of her brief heaven, but now it was like tiny needles, pricking her heart full of holes. But she couldn't care about that anymore.
That figure suddenly appeared in Tsuan's eyes.
Blue medium-length hair draped smoothly over her shoulders, shimmering with warm luster in the sunlight. Her profile carried a relaxed smile, exactly the same as in her memory.
Right now.
Tsuan reached out both hands and gently hugged Megumi.
Without using force, without lingering, just for an instant...
"Mm...?!"
Her cheek pressed against Megumi's warm neck, her nose surrounded by that familiar, reassuring candy fragrance from Megumi's body.
Enough.
"Megumi-chan... Megumi-chan..."
Tsuan buried her face in that warmth. The last drop of scalding tears wet Megumi's uniform.
"..."
She loosened her arms and gently stepped back two steps to clear the path.
This was her friend, the happiness she had briefly possessed.
Also the only thing she could grasp at this moment.
After the initial stiffness, Megumi's body seemed to relax somewhat, but that confusion didn't disappear. She looked around somewhat bewildered.
"Strange... it felt like something hugged me?"
Megumi muttered confusedly, her voice carrying a trace of barely detectable... unease?
"Amber, did you feel anything?"
Amber also looked around bewildered.
"Nothing? All the windows are closed?"
Tsuan took one last deep look at Megumi's profile showing confusion, that friend who was still warm but could no longer touch her.
No lingering, no hesitation.
○
There was lingering, and there was hesitation.
But Tsuan still turned around, like smoke blown away by wind, silently walking toward the top floor of the school building.
Destination—the rooftop.
The fully risen sun dyed the edges of the rooftop golden.
The wind was stronger, blowing up her black long hair and uniform skirt, rustling loudly.
She stood at the edge of the rooftop, overlooking the classrooms below that were gradually beginning classes. Everything was so warm and bustling, yet had nothing to do with her.
She opened her palm. That red button lay quietly in her palm.
This is the torch of hope.
This time, no neighbors, no innocent people, no companions.
She slowly closed her eyes. The corners of her mouth actually curved into a nearly relieved arc.
The shockwave from the explosion would scatter in several directions from here. The remaining tomato here would become food for birds. That deafening sound...
Would probably be mistaken for fireworks.
"This time, can you please not forget me?"
I like you all.